19. whew.. now we can get to the important stuff

The worst is over. I've been doing a lot better. I really like how B. and I are now. I like how we are now more than before. The other day B. and I saw a movie with a couple of his friends. We ran into my cousin, and previously when Pam and I were still friends, she came along with B. and I to drop off something at B.'s friend's place. One of B.'s friends asked if my cousin was that girl who went to their place last time.

I didn't revert back to my old self because someone mantioned Pam, I just said, "no, that was someone else". For a second, I paused, and I remembered for a second, but it was just a second. I didn't dwell on it, it was just.. fleeting and unimportant. Then, my cousin and I saw a billboard for a new movie coming out, and one of the actresses has the same name as Pam. And my cousin said, "man, can you believe she's in that movie? Why would they cast her?". I just said, "I don't know", and that was it. I didn't freeze up at hearing someone else say her name.

B. and I were even able to talk about it without either of us getting angry or depressed, without us fighting. It was nice. It was.. very nice.

I have realized that it's not about Pam. It's not about her at all. It was about B. and I. We had problems within our own relationship that needed to be resolved. That was the push that really did it. It's not that he doesn't love me, and it's not that he loves me less, and it's not that he loves her. It was the accumulation of the problems in the relationship that B. and I failed to resolve. We definitely had a major break in communicaiton.

I asked B. if he wished he never cheated on me. He said he wished he had never cheated on me, but had brought up the problem another way. I said that he couldn't have it both ways. His response was that then if the case was that we never solved our problems and he didn't cheat on me, then he'd rather have it the way it is now. Even though he cheated on me, we're better off. His reasoning was also that if he didn't cheat on me and we continued to ignore those problems and let it build, then we might have broken up anyway, and we wouldn't be together anymore. He said he'd rather have me still be with him and having us work through our problems, then to lose me and everything we had. I must say that I agree.